I often contemplate the purpose of life.
Why am I here? What’s the point? Is life worth living? I have the ability to take my own life, why don’t I?
You see. If I were to jot down some things about myself and my life at this stage, I really could be looked at as a failure thus far.
I sure feel like one at times when I consider where I am at.
In fact, here’s a short list of where I’m at at 42 (I just turned 42 on January 14th):
- I live in the basement apartment of the home of my mom and stepdad, for free. Why free? Because my income is sporadic, and the money I do get is spent digging out of the hole I created for myself. So I suspect they feel bad for me and therefore haven’t asked me for any rent money yet. I have been here for 5 weeks so far (this time) with no clear vision of my next residence.
- I have 4 children from 3 different moms (as well as a stepson).
- Only 2 of my children I see regularly, and I don’t treat them as well as they deserve to be treated.
- I am in debt about $50,000 with $’s tacked onto that each and every month.
- I married for the first time when I was 40, and I haven’t respected the marriage the way I dreamed I would. My wife and I are back to “dating, ” and she is reluctant to even consider that level of relationship with me. I don’t blame her, but I’m certainly appreciative!
- I have no real friends. People had called me their friend in the past when they needed money, or a place to stay, or needed help getting a website online. Those I did help vanished afterwards. Others that seemingly never wanted anything from me did need a shoulder to cry on and I can only take so much of that, to be honest. Others I expected more from than they could give. I guess I’m not entirely sure how to be someone’s friend, and I haven’t honed in on the definition of the word I suppose.
- My relationship with my siblings is non-existent, and when it did exist, it was primarily a smile-and-nod relationship.
- I don’t speak to my father anymore at all (my choice).
- I have an inflammation issue that is very challenging.
- Emotionally, I feel like an infant a lot of the time.
So, financially… socially… and health-wise, things suck for me it would appear!
That list certainly isn’t looked upon with envy I would imagine.
It has been my best thinking that has got me to where I am at
I have had a “woe is me” list like above all my life. It used to have items like: “I am balding way too early!” It’s funny how things stop mattering after awhile.
One thing I figured out though is… it could always be worse, and I am in control.
I can choose each day how I look at things. And I can choose how I react to things.
While I haven’t yet determined my real purpose, I do know why I choose to stay on this Earth.
To be honest, up until a decade ago, it was fear of the unknown that has prevented me from successfully taking my own life.
My responsibility to my children drives my life’s purpose
Now, it’s my responsibility to my children that keeps me getting up in the morning. I feel that leaving them would be much worse (for them) than sticking around.
And with that, I want them to genuinely *want* me around.
You see… for much of my life I had a relationship with my parents primarily out of necessity. I felt hurt by them, and their negativity was never helpful.
I am determined to have a relationship with my children that is loving and full of joy.
I want them to look to me for advice and guidance.
I want them to see me as someone that is a joy to be around.
I want them to feel a sense of security when they are with me.
So, in turn, that encourages me to find my health again. That encourages me to find my financial security again… to find my independence.
Which in turn, I suspect, will open up healthy social situations for me.
Which in turn will open my heart to more love, and perhaps bring some resemblance of a family back in my life with my wife and newest arrival Oliver (currently just over 6 months old!).
Maybe it’ll be an uphill battle for me.
I’m worth it, because my kids are worth it.
Wish me the best!